My HG Story

This isn't really a great place to share this but I wanted to write down my HG story, to share some of what it's been like for me over the last 9 months. It's quite long but I felt that there's nothing in there that can be missed out. This story isn't for sympathy but to raise awareness, both of what I've been through but also what HG can do to people. My story isn't, my any means, the worst I've heard, it can be SO much worse. 

Our pregnancy was completely planned, we had decorated the nursery, bought the pram and I had worked out what finance would be available to me and what I would do with my various contracts as I was self employed. Everything was as organised as it could be and we were just waiting for that positive test until the joy and excitement of pregnancy began. We were so eager for that step, to become a family. Little did we know what was coming.

In September we got that positive line and we couldn’t have been happier. We told our families straight away but, like most people, decided to wait until 12 weeks before really announcing it, just in case. I knew about morning sickness, of course, and had already said I was going to work through everything. I didn’t want to wrap myself in cotton wool and I very much felt I should just be able to get on with things until around April (a month before due date) when I would take maternity leave. By week 6, everything had to change. I had been getting gradually more and more nauseous until I started vomiting. I thought it was normal so didn’t seek any help until, after vomiting for 24 hours non stop keeping nothing down, my husband insisted on getting some help for me. By the time I saw the GP I hadn’t even managed a sip of water in 48 hours. He gave me some anti sickness meds and said if I wasn’t better by morning I had to go to hospital. I wasn’t. Friday 5^th October I was sent to hospital and diagnosed as having Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I was shocked to discover that what I experienced wasn’t normal, not even close, that I had severe sickness. This was to be the start of a long and difficult journey.

I decided to cancel all my work for the following week, thinking this would give me plenty of time to get back on my feet, and went home thinking that the meds would be the cure and I would be fine within no time. But a week later and I wasn’t feeling better and 2 weeks later I ended up in hospital again needing more fluids (at 10 weeks pregnant).  From this point on I was constantly seeing medical professionals and begging for help, I was being passed around the people and being told there was nothing they could do. Meanwhile I was stuck at home, in bed, completely unable to do anything. I felt nauseous all the time and doing anything, moving, would make things so much worse. I was terrified of ending up in hospital again. My husband took all the burden of looking after me.  Food was prepared for me to help myself to and my husband rang me twice a day to check up on me. My mum started coming down once a week to keep me company and do some jobs around the house for us. This continued until I had our daughter.

Throughout the pregnancy I was determined to not blame the baby and really struggled mentally with what I was going through. I remember the second time I was admitted to hospital (10weeks) thinking “why am I going through all this? What’s it for?” and thinking about just ending it all. That visit to hospital I was given an early scan, to check it wasn’t twins, but that scan really helped hold me together for a few days and see a positive. Each scan had a really positive effect on me and pulled me up from my dark place, physically showed me that something was happening and it wasn’t just about the constant, never ending sickness. Through those early days I held on to the images of holding a baby afterwards, I surrounded myself in little clothes and imagined someone wearing them. We found out that we were having a little girl at 20 weeks and so named her. I made a conscious effort to always call the bump her and by name, remember that she was real and what we always wanted.

The pregnancy felt never ending for me, I was at home on the sofa or in bed all the time. I felt completely isolated and I also felt that I had no friends supporting me. I was asked by medical professionals whether I had people coming and visiting, I would answer that my mum did as if that was enough but really, apart from that I had very few visits and felt really lonely.

By 30 weeks I had well and truly had enough, I was treading water and I could no longer remember why I was doing it. People kept telling me it will all be worth it but she was my first, how did I KNOW she was worth it, how did anyone know how I would feel. I began to think that people were avoiding me, that they really couldn’t be bothered with how I was feeling even though I made an effort not to moan about it. I tried to hide how I was feeling to most people and most people told me how well I was looking, even though I felt awful inside. I was treading water and I knew I was gradually sinking. I was really desperate to have the pregnancy over but I knew that I had to get to the magic 37 week number. I felt so guilty that I was jealous of those that were having premature babies as I just wanted her out. I tried going to the GP about how I was feeling, but apparently I left it too late, as by the time I spoke to them it was too late for me to go on waiting lists and very little could be done. I was referred for an assessment but the nurse I spoke to didn’t really understand how pregnancy makes people feel, she told me that she would expect me to feel the way I did, but this didn’t help me to cope with it. She didn’t understand that I felt no bond with my baby and that I just wanted it over. She told me to just hold on “it’s not long now”, why do people think that makes everything better? If someone has flu and they are stuck in bed they say that a few days feels like forever, so imagine that you’ve had that for months on end and that you still have a or 2 month left, does that make you feel better? No it makes you even more depressed about how much longer is left to go.

I was told that at my 38 week appointment with the consultant we discuss the option of induction. I was holding on, by my fingernails, to that knowledge that I would get a date. That it would all be over soon and I would be on the next phase of my life, I would make new friends be able to get out the door and not be so lonely. I had been anxiously listening to midwifes telling me the baby was engaging and heading down, wishing for any signs she might be coming early and really just waiting for that appointment. When I got there the consultant point blank refused to talk about it. He wouldn’t listen to me when I said I was depressed and that it was getting worse the longer I waited. He listened to the heartbeat and I felt nothing at all, it was just a noise and it just didn’t mean anything to me. In the past I felt some joy and made me smile. I think he realised that I wasn’t reacting at all but he just said there was nothing he could do and he would set an induction date with me at my next appointment in 2 weeks’ time, after my due date. Did he not realise that to be told that I wouldn’t have the baby by that date we all count down too and I would then have to wait for a date was the worst thing I could imagine? On the way home from that appointment I completely flipped. I told my husband I didn’t want the baby anymore, I want “it” out and I seriously thought about any means possible to cut it out. I was crying my eyes out and was devastated. Over the rest of that Friday I felt worse and worse, the bump became a parasite and I felt dirty, I felt like I needed to wash and wash, like I had something in me that was eating me up. I couldn’t touch the bump, have anything touch it and every moment she moved just reminded me she was still there “killing me”.  I felt so disgusting and when I did touch the bump I would shake, cry and need to wash. I felt so guilty that I had turned on her with one half of me but the other half, just kept shouting “end it, it’s making you sick and a prisoner in your own home. What are we waiting for? Now now now.”

My poor husband spent the next few days trying to get help for me, it was the weekend so we couldn’t get help. He rang the GP who said to talk to the consultant, who had gone home. He rang a mental health helpline who told him I needed help, to talk to a GP. We rang the out of hours GP who completely didn’t understand and started talking about adoption!! Complete lack of understanding. Eventually after me shouting at him he agreed I needed an appointment, but we never got called back to arrange it. In the end my husband rang the labour ward and they agreed to see me. We went down there and I couldn’t let anyone touch me. They agreed that I should be induced but they couldn’t make the decision and I needed to see a consultant. To cut a long story short I was told to wait till Monday, so I spent the weekend covered up and curled up crying and being watched by my husband. Finally, after mistakes by the hospital and more fighting by my husband and midwife, I saw a doctor on Monday 4pm. She wouldn’t talk about induction until I’d seen a psychiatrist as she thought I was mentally unstable.  The psychiatrist agreed I needed to be induced ASAP but of course they’d all gone home so I had to wait another day. I had an appointment on the Wednesday but I decided I couldn’t hold on any longer. I was still in a bad way and all I could think was what if they said no? I NEEDED it to be over. The way I saw it was that labour was the end and I would be fine once holding my baby.

On Tuesday I finally got the go ahead and it was agreed I would be induced, that day. I couldn’t believe it was finally happening it was all ending. But they were too busy so I was delayed until the evening. Over the next few days I was given drugs to induce me but I was constantly put at the bottom of the list because I had nothing medically wrong with me. I spent hours not knowing what was going on and on monitors. No one took me seriously and considered that I would struggle being strapped to a bed being reminded of the bump constantly. I was still feeling very shaky and the smallest thing would set me over the edge. In the end my mum went and spoke to them and things were better after that. Induction was a long process that my body obviously wasn’t ready for. Tuesday it started and early hours of Saturday I had the baby. Nothing about labour was easy, my little girl got stuck so they used suction to pull her out, along with a cut. I had a temperature and my baby was tachycardic, she had also had some meconium in my waters so I was being closely monitored and not allowed to move or remain active. After they got her out I then bled and lost a lot of blood.

All I wanted was to go home and be able to walk out in the fresh air, but due to those issues we had to stay in hospital for several days. Baby was on antibiotics and was jaundiced so needed a light box. I needed a blood transfusion. For days I felt so guilty that I had caused all of this, if I had been stronger, not needed to be induced maybe she, and I, would have been fine. I caused her pain and her first week was so traumatic. I felt like I’d shown no strength but realistically I know that I showed strength to get through those 9 months, to feel nausea every day since before I even knew I was pregnant, to even go through “normal” labour. I still have to remind myself I’m not weak and none it was my fault. I was told, before pregnant, that I was a natural mother, I feel like nothing about this has proved that. I had an awful pregnancy, an awful labour and the first few weeks haven’t been plain sailing as our little one has a milk allergy so we had her screaming in pain, discomfort and no sleep. Now, 1 month later, I’m still struggling to feel that it was all worth it. Now she has special milk she is a bundle of joy, she has started smiling and is quite responsive. She is a big positive but, at the moment, this big positive isn’t enough to overcome the negatives we’ve had to go through. We are still bonding, I’m still learning that she needs me and no one can replace that. She may be OK with cuddles from others but no one else is her mum, that’s me alone.

HG is an illness, it stole my joyful pregnancy, it stole my labour and it stole my bonding time after baby was born.  It has also stolen any further children we considered having. I’m sure the trauma of it all will fade over time, I won’t feel so raw thinking about it, but the knowledge that it could all happen again would break me. This time the only way I held on so long was due to hope it would get better, I won’t have that next time. On a more practical level HG has also stolen my job (I may have decided to stop but it forced the issue), our savings and the friends I thought I had. It feels like my life stopped on October 5^th, when I first ended up in hospital, and only started again when I finally came home from hospital on May 22^nd. I lost months of my life.

Through all of this I have had the unending support of my husband, he has been a rock. My family have been there for me and my mum has given up so much time to be here for us, try and cheer me up and occupy me. A few friends have remained supportive and visited and rung, I’ve discovered who my real friends are. I have also discovered a really supportive group of new friends who have listened to me and been with me every step of the way. HG gave me some things too and this is the biggest gift of all:

My Gorgeous Mini Manley

A short update: 

The affects of HG have been ongoing. Since having Amelia I have suffered mentally and ended up being diagnosed as depressed. I continued to feel trapped in my own house and didn't really want to get out and about. I felt so much better than when I was pregnant but I didn't really get a chance for my body to recover from 9 months of bed rest. I've also suffered with PTSD and still the thought of pregnancy horrifies me, and not just my own. I have been through months of counselling and general healing to get to the place where I am today. It has been good to move house and have a fresh new start but this story is still very fresh in my mind. I will never have another pregnancy, we can never go through this again. And I still feel like it's a battle to get people to understand and acknowledge this. 

Overall I hope the experience has turned to positive. I can't think of the pregnancy positively but I can now look at what I've gained out of it. Not only have I got the most amazing daughter ever, and oh she is so so so special, but I've also got a new group of friends who have been through the same things. I have gained understanding for others and I hope that I'm also helping others to not have such a bad time through working with the charity. The charity, Pregnancy Sickness Support, is in constant need of money so I'm trying to help fundraise whenever I can too. I would like to emphase that HG is something that effects people for a long long time, not just 12 weeks of pregnancy, not just 9 months but it can take years and years. Some of the effects for me are going to be forever, HG has shaped my family.

Introducing Amelia Katie Manley

On 18th May 2013 at 2.11am we welcome into the world our mini Manley weighing an impressive 7lb13oz. I thought she would be smaller considering I'd been ill but she obviously got all that she needed, which is great. 

It was a long and difficult labour, I was induced early due to sickness so she obviously wasn't ready to come out into the world. Induction started on Tuesday afternoon and by Friday morning we thought we'd have to give in and have an emergency C-Section as my body wasn't responding enough. However, overnight on Thursday my body changed it's mind and on Friday my waters were reachable and broken. The idea is that this starts off contractions, however, again my body had other ideas and refused to respond. It was decided I would have a drip of hormones to speed things up and I spent the day being forced into labour. I very quickly needed an epidural, as expected, as I had no strength left in me after months of sickness. Finally by 12pm I was at the pushing stage but this time Amelia had different ideas and decided to get stuck. By 2am I needed help so with the help of a vorteuse she arrived at 2.11am. 

I had a temperature during labour so Amelia had to be checked very quickly to make sure she was ok. She also had a kind of rasping noise which apparently was a respiratory problem. She was given to Gary for skin to skin contact to see if that helped, unfortunately it didn't so she had to go upstairs and be checked over in the baby unit. Apparently the rasping stopped once she was in the heat but she was given a check over and a dose of antibiotics. She had to continue on the antibiotics for 48 hours meanwhile they checked her bloods. Unfortunately she had an infection marker in her blood that was much higher than normal, this meant that she then had to have a 5 day course of antibiotics instead. They were worried about how high it was and there was talk about a lumbar puncture but fortunately the levels went down and that risk was diverted. From these blood tests, and her colour, it was also determined that she was jaundice so then had to spend around 24 hours in the light box to reduce this. Finally by Tuesday we were told that she was improving and if the blood tests came back ok we would be allowed to go home a little early and miss the final dose of antibiotics, which meant we could go home on Wednesday not Thursday. Wednesday after lunch we were told that everything was fine, all levels were reducing and they were happy for us to leave, hooray!! 

Little Manley

As for me, I was exhausted after 2 hours of trying to push her out. After this I had a bleed, I don't really know what happened but I lost a fair bit of blood and was surrounded by a team of people trying to patch me up and stop it. I was pumped full of drugs to contract my uterus and given a painful massage. It was a bit scary as we didn't really know what was happening but after a while they got it all under control and I was told it was all fine. I threw up after this which really upset me because I thought it would all be over, but we were told it was the drugs. After this I felt pretty awful and out of it and I ended up sleeping for a few hours. When I came to I felt much much better and was in a calmer room with Gary, Mia and my mum. At last I was able to hold her and get a cuddle and find out what had happened to her. After this I felt great, no longer sick and able to eat. I felt tired but thought this was really due to the complete lack of sleep I'd had in the previous week. However, I had iron levels test and it turns out they were very low, I needed to have a blood transfusion of 2 units over the space of 5 hours. Once I'd had this I felt a load better, I couldn't believe there was a better!! At this point I was fit and would have been discharged if Mia was OK. Turns out my iron levels are still low and I'm on iron tablets to bring it up. Now I'm also on antibiotics for a UTI but I basically feel full of energy. 

So how are we now? We are both home and settling into life at home. It's nice to be able to get out and about as well. We've managed a trip to Brighton for some shopping and a trip to the doctors to register. We had a lovely photo session yesterday, in which Mia refused to sleep, but hopefully we got some lovely photos. I'm back in my pre-pregnancy jeans, ok so they were big before but still, I managed an hour or so at the allotment earlier by myself getting lots done. I could have done more but decided to come back home to Amelia and not completely wear myself out. I have a gorgeous daughter, who is mostly very easy. She sleeps through the night just waking up for feeds and settles very easily. Except when the camera is pointing at her! I don't feel sick any more and mentally feel back on track. We are now looking forward to the future together as a family and I'm looking forward to adding lots of lovely bits and pieces to this blog :)

Daddy and MM

1000 page views this month so far!!

I was just checking on my blog stats, as you do, and I noticed that this month has not only beaten my all time high for page views but has already surpassed 1000 views since the beginning of April!! Thank you to all my readers, I'm not sure why you keep coming back but I do appreciate your loyalty and am hoping I inspire some of you. 

For those that have been following my story with HG and my pregnancy I wanted to give you an update and, at last, it's a fairly positive one! 

Last week I ended up seeing the GP as I was really beginning to struggle emotionally with the nausea and being stuck inside. She was really good and set a few things in motion. One of which was that I was to go to the hospital and have some checks. The GP really wanted me to get some fluids so I could be hydrated again. After a REALLY long wait in the hospital I finally got seen by a very good doctor. Whilst she didn't give me fluids (apparently no vomiting means no fluids) she didn't want me to leave without a plan of action. So she gave me some new drugs to try and booked me in with the consultant for follow up work. 

The new drugs are great, they work really well in addition to what I'm currently taking and for the first time in 8 months I feel hungry and thirsty!! I was able to get up and do bits and pieces on Saturday and I feel so much better. I have to be very careful not to over do it as I have very little energy and reserves but at least I don't feel nauseous all the time now. Fortunately the consultant today has extended these drugs and allowed me to stay on them with the strict instructions that I'm to build myself up over the next 2 weeks and drink lots of fluids. In a few weeks I'll meet him again and we'll discuss how to take things further, I may be induced closer to my due date if everything is favourable. 

So I feel a lot better, not sure if I'm up to much baking yet but I have started up the knitting again and my brain is once again feeling more active. I now just need to focus on getting through the next weeks. I'm going to focus on getting to the next consultants appointment and take it from there. In 3 weeks I'll be very close at 38+4 weeks!! 

Thank you for all your support, the thing that has helped me the most in these days has been the messages of love and concern I received from people. My birthday couldn't have come at a better time because the cards I received really helped lift me, knowing so many people bothered to remember me. I  hope that you'll all get a chance to meet Mia when she's here, we're currently busy arranging a big get together for all friends and family so if you're interested, just let me know. 

I wasn't really sure what picture to put on this post but Cali wanted to say hi!! 

An update on us

To break up all of the baking posts a little I thought I'd write a quick update on me and how I've been coping.

I'm now 33 weeks pregnant and counting down the days until Mia is born. She is a fidgety rascal and likes to kick me around but it's comforting that she's moving lots and reminding me she's still there and OK. All her checks have been going without any problems, I'm measuring a little small but within normal range, and her heart beat is always lovely and strong. We have now got the last of her things ready and the nursery is raring to go. Cali (our cat) was discovered in the cot this morning and gave me a look thanking me for making the bed for her yesterday!!

Cali in the new made up cot

Fortunately I anticipated this move and put a blanket over the top so all her fur won't go on the baby blankets. She did exactly the same thing when we made up the moses basket. I think she is very grateful that we've made these comfy beds for her and "her" room is so nicely done now!! 

Some of our reusable nappies arrived last week so we've had a chance to show them off and have a play with them. I was also given a very useful storage basket for them on Saturday which fits perfectly on the shelf.

Nappies in the basket

So we're all set for Amelia's arrival and just waiting now. I don't want her to come just yet, it's a little early, and she's been told she has to wait for Nan and Grandad to come back from their holiday. So let's see if she's a good girl or not!!

So how am I? Well it seems that HG doesn't seem to want to let go its hold over me. For a few weeks in the middle I felt slightly better, I was able to do small things around the house and go out for short trips. However, that's all changed in the last few weeks. I've started feeling very nauseous again and off my food. I haven't, as yet, been sick but I feel so close most mornings that I'm sure it'll happen any day soon. I'm now back to spending my good days on the sofa and my bad days in bed just eating what I can, at the moment that's plenty but it is dropping day by day. I'm very fed up with being so flat bound and I really can't wait for Mia to make her arrival and the nightmare of HG to be over. Before I was pregnant people told me what a joy being pregnant was, well I can say it's been horrid. I've felt nauseous every day since Sept, not been able to work (and no that isn't fun when it's forced on you) and feeling awful all the time. To top it off little Mia has taken to kicking and pushing so for the last few days I've been really uncomfortable as well. 

33 week bump, she's growing!! 

I know that the weather has been awful and spring is yet to arrive but I for one am rather grateful. I feel much less sick when I'm cold and being hot just sets me off. I would rather it wasn't snowing (as it is now!!) but I'm also really glad it's not scorching like last year. Once Mia has arrived though, I'm looking forward to hot sunny days so we can get out and enjoy ourselves. Have picnic lunches with daddy in the park and introduce her to everyone. I feel like my life has been in standstill since November and I'm very much struggling to realise what time of year it is but I'm waiting for the play button to be pushed again. 

I hope you've been enjoying the small amount of baking I have managed to post about, be warned that I'm expecting there to be a flurry of activity and dishes to try out afterwards. I have a pile of magazines and recipes that are waiting to be tested and I'm very restless!! In the meantime enjoy the remainder of the baby shower posts and of course I'll keep you posted on Amelia's arrival. Only 6 weeks 3 days to go till we've reached due date!!
 

How am I now?

I wanted to further update you on news about me and how I'm feeling. As you should already know, I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our first child, due 20th May. 

Last time I wrote about me it was before even the 12 weeks scan and I had been very ill, in and out of hospital a couple of times. Since then I've managed to stay out of hospital and have been feeling a little better, however, not well enough to be able to function normally. I still feel nauseous all the time but have managed not to vomit for a week now, hoping I can keep that up!! I spend most of my time around the flat, tends to be in bed, but try and potter around doing little bits and pieces. I have been able to get out a few times and enjoy some social life but this tends to be a maximum of once a week and needs a preparation and recovery period around it. 

On a positive note the 12 weeks scan was great and showed everything was fine and now we've had the 20 week scan. We now know that we're having a little girl, Amelia Katie, and that she is a perfectly average size. A relief as after being so sick I thought she might be suffering but it would appear not. I've made some new friends who are helping pull me through and I'm now counting down as I've reached the halfway mark. It's unlikely that I'll be well enough to work before I take maternity leave but hopefully I'll improve a little and at least be able to potter around the flat a little more. Amelia is very active and kicks me frequently to remind me she's still there and we're enjoying purchasing lots of girlie bits and pieces for her now. 

It was a delight to meet her at the scan and we now can't wait to meet her in real life. I also can't wait to feel less sick and get baking again for real. I've managed a few bits and pieces with help but not enough and I miss it. Mia and I will be baking from when she's born!! start them early ;-). 

Amelia Katie Manley

So there's the quick update, I hope to manage a few posts over the coming months to keep this blog going but it really depends on what I can manage, but this time next year I expect to be enjoying my crafty Christmas presents and making wonderful creations!! 

Where have I Been?

I just wanted to write a quick post to explain my lack of baking and posting recently. I'm afraid I've been very unwell the last few weeks and into hospital twice. However, the reason is positive. 

I'm 11 weeks pregnant, I know it's early to be announcing it!! and I have a condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. For those that don't know this is where you are basically throwing up constantly, severe morning sickness, but certainly not just in the mornings. I've got to the stage where I'm unable to carry out a usual daily life as the more I move and get tired the more I throw up. Twice in the last few weeks I've been so bad that I've got very dehydrated and been sent into hospital for fluids. Last time was just last week and they made me stay overnight this time to get extra fluids into me and to ensure that I could keep food down when I left. I'm on anti-sickness drugs, which are helping, but still feel pretty unable to do anything. I haven't been able to work for over 3 weeks now and the Dr has signed me off till 5/12, being self-employed, this is proving to be quite an issue. 

IV in the hand being given fluids and anti-sickness drugs

Due to the HG I haven't been able to think about food let alone have the energy to bake anything, I've avoided the kitchen and fridge and am just trying to keep anything down at the moment. I'm hoping to get back to baking really soon and with a bit more variety. 

However, the positives, I've had an early scan last week to check that it wasn't twins so now I've seen the baby and its heartbeat:

Little m&m, only one, nice heartbeat and happily fidgeting around!!

All was healthy and dated the same kind of time, so it's due around the 19th May 2013. We'll get another scan next week which is our official 12 week scan and they do many more developmental checks then when the baby is a bit bigger and better formed. 

I have a mini Manley now, so the blog title makes a little more sense and I have a target to aim for, by May 2014 I need to be able to make a 1st birthday cake!! 

I've had lots of support from friends and family, lots of contact and lots of love sent my way. I'm very lucky in this manner and we were certainly glad we had announced it so whilst in hospital last week I received many text messages and well wishes. My mum has lots of kind friends who are frequently asking after me as well. It's lovely to know that so many people care. 

I'm able to work through books, dvds and tv series that I've wanted to watch. I've kept our little cat company even though the sound of me throwing up really freaks her out. 

And my husband, as always, has been incredible, doing way too much and looking after me as much as he can. We've had such understanding from his work, he's only been there 3 months!, and this has meant he could be there for me when I really needed him. 

Hopefully I'll get back to baking soon, I have borrowed a book from my mum to try and add some more variety to my books section so watch this space! and I have a birthday cake to make for my mum, not sure when she'll get it yet though!!